Quack!

I think what I miss most about tumblr, is that people actually interacted with me.

I try - I try so hard! - in these other forums, but I have always given out much more than I get back (like comments... *squinty eyes*). On the whole it's not a big deal - it's really not! Or at least... it only is when I am feeling bad anyway. On line has this way of making people, or if we are being specific, me feel invisible.

That is kind of my biggest issue in real life - to feel invisible, boring, unheard.

*ponders*

Anyway, the point of that is I am back to trying to be more engaged again. Maybe some of the problem is I have spread myself so thin. Dreamwidth, LJ, Twitter, Pillowfort, Discord... each taking up time and space. And trying to do them all means I do none.

The thing is, there are some people I only talk to one *one* of those. And I lost enough people when I dropped tumblr. Do I really want to do it again? (actually and FB and email. I can think of two fandom friends I only have on email). siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Obviously I am feeling low. Some of it is the job search. It's demoralising. So demoralising. All I want to do is stay up late and sleep the day away, but then when I get up late (even if late is 9am or 10am) I feel like I have lost the whole day, because I am actually a morning person.

I am also struggling with writing - this has always been an issue actually, because my writing brain switches on about 10.30pm which is when I actually want to be in bed. Because I need to get up in the morning. *sighs* it's not the only reason I am not getting any writing done, but it is part of it.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow the power is off from 8.30 til 12.30. SO I will walk to where I can drop my compost off (even though I didn't go to the other place today. Just... a 30min walk in each direction is so far, especially when it is raining). So I will go to the place I know, then go and get snacks, and then come home and since I have no internet it will be hard to get sidetracked by things like how to americans pronounce buoy.

I joined skillshare (let me know if you want a code for two free months, or a link) because I desperately want to try acrylic pouring, but what I actually think is going to happen is I will wait until I go home because I don't want to buy a blowtorch just for that. Although if they run a class I will totally sign up. TOTALLY. Ok I got sidetracked - which is half the problem you know. I have so many things I want to do, and I am getting NONE of them done.

ugh.

ok I am just wasting time instead of going to bed. Hope you are all doing well.

Here's hoping tomorrow is positive and (for me) filled with one completed job application and many words.

It's the second week of the month and I haven't done any writing yet.

I have thought on it! But I actually got some paid work, and that kinda takes precedent... and then it's SO HOT that when I am not working on the paid stuff I am downstairs lying like a blob in front of the fan.

I still have a whole lotta stuff I want to write this year! That I do.

I think I said I finally booked my ticket home? It's weird when you do that it's like time speeds up and suddenly you are out of time? Truth: some of it is because there are a few things that I want/need to do that involve driving and I hate driving. Well... not so much driving, but parking. I hate parking.

Only 5 cards left to arrive... at least the first one has reached the US.

I actually forgot to apply for a policy position. It closed last night, 11.55pm but it just dropped off my radar. It was annoying realising I had missed it, but oh well. Just means there is another job around the corner.

When I get this data finished, I am going to spend my computer time fluttering between writing things and applying for jobs. Both are good.

It was interesting looking at photos from 10 years ago and today ala that facebook how have you aged thing. My 30s haven't been so bad for my face.

uh. I guess that is all. I wish I could be more focused and just get all the things done. Why... why is it so harddddd?

But today is not the day.

I started to set up my new phone, but the sim card is the wrong size, so that is something I need to deal with next week.

Actually life is rushing forward, and the coming week is busy.

Sunday: cleaning and taking my housemate out to the movies for her birthday (the fantastic beasts movie I think)
Monday: Osteo, collect grad tickets (find out how to get them to people who are coming who you won't see before grad), radio segment, maybe get my sim card?
Tuesday: friend coming round for dinner (I will make a vegetable and tempeh curry)
Wedesday: I think nothing?
Thursday: grad
friday: nothing
Saturday: go home!

and on the nothing days I actually have to clean and pack, write my spn_j2_xmas exchange fic, apply for at least two jobs, follow up on my unemployment, and... gosh. there are a couple of other things, but that is quite enough to be going on with!

actually I have a couple of other things to write as well - I do want to do ficmas (and then means, what, starting to post on the 13th? 14th? okay that is a few days... I might be able to manage it, and I signed up for the SMPC this month too (I have been a terrible participant!).

And I have a lot of fic based plans for next year: finishing off my WIPs. the one I have started on AO3, but also make my way through my folder. I mean... I actually enjoy writing. So I should do it, and even when I get my new job, it's not going to be as all encompassing as this year has been. so I think I should manage to post more in 2019 than I managed in 2018.

I am having a bad day.

actually, it's not really a bad day, it's more like the culmination of bad months.

I'm just in such a negative headspace, and my upset/angry/frustrated thoughts are just spiralling around.

it makes sense, I know. Mum's health issues. Dad's health issues. My employment issues. I feel like I have no support, and while that isn't exactly true, the feelings are very real.

So I am just... angry. Angry frustrated sad. And I don't want to feel like this, but I also am really struggling with how to kick the crankyness. I'm in a mental/physical/emotional rut, and I keep thinking oh yeah. I'm home! I could start eating healthy. or start exercising. I could improve my drawing skills, or maybe work on Japanese all these things and I end up doing none of them. NONE.

but yeah. I am not in a great space, and I am not being very effective at pushing myself out of it. I am hoping that the sunny weather will help (I hope it's sunny. today was the first day with sunshine in two weeks)

Oh hello. Life hasn't been busy, and yet I've had no time. I've mainly got on here to whine recently (although if you follow me on tumblr, note that I do do a daily list of things that I am grateful for!), but since I whine here, I'll make a happier list.

- I love it when my dog comes and lies on me. There's so much trust there. Of course it's a wintery thing, she snuggles in the cooler months, and it just... yeah. It makes me feel like I might be a good person :)
- Eurovision party was a success and so much fun! Good food, moderately ok songs (although wtf? Portugal wasn't even in my top 10!), and just a lot of fun
- got an artist for my spnbb and we've made contact! Since the reveals are out, I can tell you what it's called: The Many Bitchfaces of Sam Winchester. (it was meant to be hilarious, but it it's not... canon is just so angsty!)
- mum and I are going to sign up to do a felted slipper workshop on the weekend. I'm excited!
- I've been reading lots of interesting fic recently. All sorts of ships, all sorts of things. I've noticed that I've started veering more towards erotic and gen, rather than smut. In my writing too. sex scenes are getting hard... although I still need to write my fic for the smpc.

there's actually more, but it's nice to start a list of nice things :)

Just checking out the crossposting feature as much as anything.

Ohhhhh I am starting to feel a little stressed about my spn bang. I am at 14k and I *know* I can get to the minimum word count. But. I don't know how the story ends. I just don't know! It's hugely frustrating and it's kinda canon verse, so at what point to I diverge? should I finish it early? Should I keep going. Ugh. So many questions and not even close to as many answers.

The job hunting is also somewhat disappointing, although I have picked up a day a week for the next 8 weeks, so that is quite nice. The other nice thing about that is I can do the work as slowly or as quickly as I want. I like the idea of doing 2 days a week for 3 weeks instead. More money. And it also means if another job comes up I won't still have this one hanging over my head.

And I am low key depressed, which means I go online shopping, but since I have no money I can't really buy anything and that makes me sadder. Boo. I still bought a mini trampoline though (rebounding is supposed to be good for your health, so I am going to be organised and give that a go).

Tomorrow is a public holiday, so I shall put my time to writing hopefully many words.

also I still haven't finished all the springfling fics, but I will get there!

ok, let's see how quickly I can summarise three weeks!

( image heavy, under the cut )

LJ is such a closed space. I've always found it really hard to make friends here - people (and groups) often seem unassailable.

But I wonder why it feels that way?

Anyhoo! Today I am heading off to one of the villages for brunch, and I think I'm going to try and write something wincest-y. There was a prompt I really liked in this months kinkmeme... I just don't know if I can write snake!sam having sex with Dean... I could definitely write some snakey!sam cuddles though. I like that.

(I think I watched too much Fruits Basket as a child: it's an anime (and manga) where a family is cursed to get turned into the animals of the zodiac when touched by the opposite sex)