Fic: Fractured Bonds Chapter 4

[majestic_duxk]

Dean regained his health.

Slowly.

Sam bustled around, cajoling Dean into doing everything the doctor ordered – take his vitamins, sleep, do the gentle (painful) exercises. There were many afternoons John returned to find Sam curled protectively around Dean on the couch. Sam’s eyes dared John to say anything.

John just tightened his lips and didn’t say anything. If it had been Dean, John would have just ordered him to leave his brother be, and expect to be obeyed. But John couldn’t order Sam to do a single fucking thing – or in this case, to not do something. The boy was incredibly stubborn, and coupled with the heavy knowledge that Sam was Dean’s alpha, well, there was no point in telling Sam to let Dean do it himself.

In the end John convinced himself that it was for the best. It wasn’t as if Dean would want him touching him, or even being anywhere near him. Not after… Shaking his head, John attempted to dispel the thoughts, but he knew there was a shadow in his eye every time he looked at his eldest.

--oo--

During those first few weeks, Sam had a lot of questions about what happened to Dean and what was wrong with him now. Why wasn’t he getting better faster? What should Sam do? Why wasn’t John helping?

He didn’t ask Dean though. He knew it would upset his brother, and Sam didn’t want to do that. So he harassed John until John yelled at him to shut up. That Sam didn’t need to know everything, and if Sam asked one more time he’d regret it.

“I don’t want to hear about this ever again!”

It was only later he realised that Dean had taken the order on board too. John really should have known better, but by the time he realised, it was too late. He was a little ashamed to admit his relief at Dean’s silence. He’d honestly planned to talk to Dean, at least to discuss his hormone issues. But really, what could he say? He had no fucking idea, and he wasn’t going to turn around and start talking about it with Dean.

Closing his eyes, John took a deep breath. This was one of but a few moments when he was forced to acknowledge his lack of parenting was hurting his boys. Knowing this though, he still wasn’t going to talk to Dean. If anything, he was less inclined. John never wanted to think of it again.

--oo--

“And I don’t want to hear about this ever again!”

While John was yelling at Sam, Dean knew that the message was for him too. There was something wrong with him. Something big. Dad knew too, and looked at him with angry eyes, when he bothered to look at him at all.

When he thought hard, he could remember the doctor in the hospital telling dad and Pastor Jim that he was broken. But try as he might, he just couldn’t remember anything else. Memories of the hospital were hazy with pain and fear – but he’d just admit that to himself. No one else needed to know what a baby he was. He was… quiet… after it happened. Talking was too exhausting. Breathing was exhausting. And around him dad and Sam fought. Dean knew it was his fault. And he knew not to talk about it.

With enough effort, and enough time, he even forgot about it.

Mostly.

--oo--

“Five more laps, Dean. What are you doing slacking off like that? You know better!”

“Yes sir,” Dean puffed as he ran past.

Although he was being punished for slacking off, John didn’t know whether to be happy or not. Dean was turning sixteen. Omega things happened at sixteen.

It would have been the perfect time to sit down with Dean. To discuss it. But who was John to go against the teachings of a lifetime? John hoped and prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that nothing would happen.

And spent a lot of time away from the boys. There was nothing he could do, and no point staying when his time could be better spent tracking down Mary’s killer.

(He still breathed a sigh of relief each time he came home to find everything the same. Or came home to find Dean spending time with beta girls. Not that he could show that relief. Someone would ask questions. To stave off Sam’s suspicious comments, the moment John was home he sent Dean off to run laps. It was the only way he could keep his boys safe).

--oo--

“Dean!”

Before Dean could respond, Sam had crowded him against the kitchen counter. Again.

Gently, Dean pushed his brother back. Sam was sixteen and had hormones racing through his body. He was an alpha, Dean thought fondly. A cranky, demanding, bossy alpha. Luckily, he’d had years to get used to it. Dean had turned sixteen and while outwardly his body didn’t change, something had.

He started craving Sam. Sam had always been touchy and now Sam’s touch was equal parts soothing and painful. Taking a sneaky breath, Dean let Sam’s scent soothe his body. He’d take what he could, knowing this was all he could hope for.

Because Sam deserved the best, and Dean was broken and damaged beyond repair.

“You need to get to school, Sammy. I know you have a test today.”

Dean loved his brother too much to make him suffer.

--oo--

Dean was wrong. Dirty and broken in ways he didn’t understand. Staring at the mirror, Dean ran a gentle finger over the scars. Even after all these years, the marks were there. They’d never talked about it, and in the past when Dean exposed his belly, his dad’s eyes would drift there. Sometimes he looked as if he wanted to say something, but he never did. And these days he never even looked like he wanted to say anything.

But sometimes… sometimes Dean wished dad would sit him down and talk to him. Tell him it was okay. That he was okay. Because even now he had phantom pains. And fear. And that sense of being wrong. Remind him that dad didn’t do it.

But how could he say anything? He was daddy’s good little soldier, and soldiers don’t get hugged and rocked to sleep and told it was ok. Soldiers did what they told and were stoic in the face of danger. Soldiers thought only of their orders. They didn’t see their daddy’s face lurking in half forgotten nightmares.

Dean didn’t feel like a soldier. Dean felt like the broken omega he was. But he couldn’t tell dad that. Couldn’t let him down any more. Not again.

His thoughts were interrupted

“Dean! Get your ass down here.”

Taking a deep breath, Dean smoothed his features. Time to go play piggy in the middle with his loving family.

--oo--

And it only got worse over the years.

“Fuck you! You don’t get to tell us - me - what to do! You don’t give a damn about us! What are we? Cannon fodder? Thanks a fucki-“

Dean winced at the sound of broken glass. That would be dad throwing his bottle to the ground. And in 4, 3, 2, 1-

“See if you can talk some sense into your brother, Dean.”

“Where’re you going, da-“

John turned on his eldest son. “For fuck’s sake! I don’t have to explain myself to you or Sam! Make sure we’re packed and ready to go before I get home.”

“We’re not leaving tonight.”

Sam was definitely an alpha - angry and aggressive and hated being thwarted. Dean knew that was his fault. Sure
That was Sam. Sam had really filled out, Dean reflected. He may only be 18, but already he was bigger than Dean. And Dean wasn’t a small man. Sam was also a typical alpha.

Sighing to himself, Dean picked himself up off the sofa. “Hey, Sammy-“

Sam turned on him. “I can’t believe you agree with him! He treats you like shit, Dean! Well, me too,” he added bitterly. “But at least I’m a-“

“Don’t. Fucking. Say. It.”

--oo--

Dean winced as Sam slammed out of the house.

Sure, his brother hated being disagreed with, but it was more than that. It was the mates thing.

“Fuck,” he cursed quietly. He really didn’t need this. They really didn’t need this. He could go get some hormone shots to check it out but…

“Fuck!” This time he was louder.

He thought he’d left all that behind. That once he was… changed that would be it. Maybe there would be a little longing, but all on his side. Why was Sam’s alpha telling him that Dean was his mate? Dean was a broken omega, not good for anything. Well, with such mixed messages, it was no surprise that Sam was confused.

--oo--

Sam was confused.

Dean was his father figure. Dean had raised him. Dean was family.

John had been an absent parent at best. But things definitely changed for the worse after they left Pastor Jim’s. As soon as Dean was mobile, John was out the door. Just another thing he couldn’t forgive his father for. Dean had needed him – needed his father. Sam still didn’t know what happened, but even as a stubborn eight year old he knew that Dean needed his dad!

But Dean hadn’t had that. Instead Dean had been forced to care for Sam before he was able to look after himself.

Because Sam needed Dean, and Dean would never let Sam suffer. So when he was still barely able to stand, Dean had taught a scrawny eight year old how to take care of himself.

Freak, they’d called him. He hadn’t cared about the others, but his fists always spoke loudly when they called him freak. And it was a name that followed him. Because it was true. He was a freak.

He was in love with the man who raised him. He was in love with his brother.

And not only in love with him, but lusted after him. He couldn’t help but pop his knot when Dean stepped out of the shower. He wanted to push Dean down and lick him, tasting Dean.

If Dean had been an omega? Well, that might have been almost acceptable. But Dean was a beta. Which made Sam the freak.

--oo--

“Why are alpha/beta pairings so wrong?”

He was willing to overlook it if Dean was. Because it was getting worse. Dean occupied his every thought. Sam was leaning on folded arms, homework spread across the table. He’d come back, a little shame faced. After a peace offering of pie, Dean had forgiven him, and Sam had set up in the dining room, trying to think about math, and algebra, and still all he could think about was Dean.

Of pulling his brother towards him, capturing him between his legs and nuzzling his belly. Of spreading Dean across the table and fucking him until… Sam didn’t even know what else he was thinking. It definitely involved his cock, and Dean’s ass, and he wanted it but it was wrong and it wasn’t fair and –

“…Sammy. Alpha’s generally aren’t attracted to beta’s. I think it’s a breeding thing.”

Caught up in his thoughts, Sam missed the start of Dean’s answer. Sam blushed as his brother mentioned breeding. Stupid hormones. Although the image of Dean big with his child…

Fuck! He shouldn’t be thinking these things. It was wrong! But… but he couldn’t think of anyone but Dean. He’d tried. But no one measured up. You know there’s something wrong with you if you compare everyone to your beta brother and they all come up lacking.

“Thanks, Dean. Gotta go to the library. See you for dinner?”

--oo--

Dean blinked at the sudden change. Sammy had just come back…

“Ah… sure.”

Before he’d finished speaking, Sam was up and had his bag slung across his shoulder.

“Wait! Remember dad gets home tonight, so try and be back at a decent –“

The door slammed.

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out,” Dean muttered.

Sam was behaving like a class A brat, and the problem? Dean couldn’t find it in him to be mad about it. It hurt him. It hurt his heart, knowing that he was everything Sam needed and at the same time nothing. He should just tell Sam what had happened, so he knew that he was wasting his time with Dean butchered beyond redemption.

But he couldn’t do it. Laughing wryly, he turned back to cleaning the kitchen. Like he needed more proof of what a coward he was. It wasn’t like it would help anything anyway. Sam deserved good things in his life, and Dean was no good.

For the first time in a long time Dean wished he could talk to Dad. How was that gonna work though? John could barely look at Dean, let alone speak to him. Dean wiped the ready tears from his eyes. Why the fuck had they turned up? It wasn't like it was any different. Just another person Dean had failed. Dean’s life, really.

(That's not quite true, a little voice whispered. Remember when you were little? Remember the way dad would pick you up and hug you and tell you everything was going to be alright? Hasn't done that in a while, has he? Hasn't done that since you fucked up so spectacularly.)

"Shut up!"

Dean punched the bench, feeling the skin give way on his knuckles. Christ that hurt, but the physical pain was better than the hurt the words caused. Taking a deep breath, he looked at his hands. It was messy, but certainly not the worst injury he'd ever experienced. He should be able to get it cleaned up and (hopefully) dad and Sam shouldn't notice a thing.

Then again, why would they? It wasn't as if Dean was important.

--oo--

Sam wasn't there when he got home.

"Dean. Where's your brother?"

Inside John winced. He couldn't even pleasantly greet his son now? Surreptitiously he eyed his eldest. He didn't look too upset.

(But then again, why would he? Sometimes he’d seen Dean’s hurt, Dean’s sadness that his father could barely look at him. But John could never forget that he'd failed Dean. It was there all the time. In the scars on his body. In his lack of scent. Everything about Dean highlighted John’s failure as a father.)

(And John hated to fail.)

"Dean?"

And he couldn't even spare a kind word. It just hurt too much. He's little boy scarred and changed because John was a terrible father.

"Library. He had some assignment he had to finish. He'll be back soon, dad."

Growling, John grabbed himself a beer. "He'd better. We're leaving in the morning."

Dean blanched. "But dad, we've just gotten here! Sam's finally settled and-"

"You arguing, boy?" John barked the words. Settled. Of course his omega son wanted to be settled. But John couldn't do that. They were too broken. And since John couldn't protect his own boys, he did the next best thing: trained them to protect everyone else. It was for the best, wasn't it?

Fuck. John took another long swallow. Was there something in the air? He hadn't questioned his own decisions for a long time. It was just the way it was, Winchesters made hard decisions and then lived with them.

"No, dad, I just–"

The door slammed, heralding the arrival of his youngest.

"Sammy? That you?"

Sam stalked in, all teenage attitude. "Of course it's me. Who else is it going to be? You suddenly get friends or something?"

He was on his feet, stalking towards his son (and Christ! When did Sammy get so big?)

"Watch your tone, son. I'm your father, and you will respect me!"

Sam was laughing. "Respect you? Respect you? What have you done to deserve our respect? You frogmarch us around the country, fucking up Dean and mine's life? You aren't a father! A father takes care of his kids, doesn't treat them like expendable-"

The silence that followed the slap was deafening.

Sam's eyes narrowed, even as one hand brushed his cheek. "This is how you earn respect, huh?"

"Sam-"

But his son was already stalking out. Fuck. Could that have gone worse?

"What's his problem, Dean?"

Dean jumped, obviously not expecting his father to turn on him. "What? Dad, he’s just…”

It was the perfect opportunity to talk to his father. To talk about the… omega thing. But. John’s face was set. There was anger in his shoulders, and Dean didn’t feel like being on the end of his father’s rage. Yeah. He was a coward.

“He’s just… I’m pretty sure he’ll be presenting as an alpha in a few weeks. It’s hard enough without having to move ar-“

Wincing as the bottle was slammed against the table, Dean held his tongue. “I don’t want to hear it, Dean. You know how important our job is! Or suddenly you’re too good to care about the innocent people out there? There are more people in this world than your brother, Dean, and it’s high time you remembered that.”

John slammed out of the room, and Dean stared after him, pale faced. Yeah. Definitely the right decision. Still, Dean wasn’t sure if he’d ever felt more alone.



to part 5